i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
