I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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