Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
