Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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