I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
