who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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