walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
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found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
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We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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