im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
