Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
