so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
