I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
