grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
