I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
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