He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
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My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
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Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
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