And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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