we're chasing vodka with high fives
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Can you bring me the toilet please
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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