Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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