I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I lost the right to judge tonight
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
