Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
