Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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