I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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