Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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