There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
