I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
