I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
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