I am puke
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
