Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
