wakey wakey hands off snakey
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
