Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.

(314): View more from Missouri

Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..

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(314): Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was. (314): Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night.. http://tfl.nu/wswl

Replies (74) Good night (1551) Bad night (6442)
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(503): View more from Oregon

do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?

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(503): do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster? http://tfl.nu/6xmt

Replies (20) Good night (5156) Bad night (1210)
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(248): View more from Michigan

Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?

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(248): Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit? http://tfl.nu/e30d

Replies (24) Good night (7190) Bad night (841)
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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.

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(717): I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into. http://tfl.nu/2oug

Replies (13) Good night (921) Bad night (3238)
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(410): View more from Maryland

We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.

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(410): We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES. http://tfl.nu/638m

Replies (15) Good night (2934) Bad night (1205)
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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly

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(867): I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly http://tfl.nu/gz7h

Replies (3) Good night (874) Bad night (1731)
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(443): View more from Maryland

Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.

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(443): Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today. http://tfl.nu/rdca

Replies (4) Good night (707) Bad night (974)
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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS

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(724): Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS http://tfl.nu/ftff

Replies (17) Good night (2536) Bad night (732)
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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.

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(816): I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me. http://tfl.nu/6mnq

Replies (7) Good night (572) Bad night (1038)
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(443): View more from Maryland

i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream

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(443): i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream http://tfl.nu/zdot

Replies (9) Good night (630) Bad night (1504)
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(316): View more from Kansas

Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.

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(316): Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex. http://tfl.nu/moa6

Replies (5) Good night (1112) Bad night (356)
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(954): View more from Florida

He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"

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(954): He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good" http://tfl.nu/rht4

Replies (2) Good night (627) Bad night (279)
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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?

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(610): How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too? http://tfl.nu/27f3

Replies (2) Good night (287) Bad night (509)
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(941): View more from Florida

It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5

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(941): It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5 http://tfl.nu/f2uj

Replies (3) Good night (414) Bad night (718)
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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...

(919): View more from North Carolina

it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.

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(804): I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer... (919): it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth. http://tfl.nu/fj5d

Replies (0) Good night (325) Bad night (154)

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