You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
