The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
