So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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