i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
