Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
