everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
