well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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