i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
