I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
