The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
