Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
