i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
