I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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