I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
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