i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
