I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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