This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
