Sorry, I don't speak sober.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
