Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
