he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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