Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
