i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
