I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
