Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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