how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Randomize
