He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
