I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
