The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
