porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
