yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
